I frequently say I hate animals including, but not limited to most people. This is probably an overstatement as I have considerable amount of fun with people and specifically bestowing upon them nicknames. The list is long and hardly distinguished, but it’s been festering in my head for over a week, and with the plethora of relatively humorous game reports that have filled the blog the last few days it’s time to get stupid.
George Takei – a bizarre dark-skinned Asian official that fashions a gold tooth. His claim to fame was ejecting a drunken fan, with whom you will become acquinted later in this glossary.
CK – Charlie Koepsell, former Oviedo player and current fire diver….uh I mean fighter. Claim to fame he was once ejected from a varsity basketball game, while reportedly intoxicated, by the aforementioned George Takei.
Pete Chilcutt – student manager for 2005-2006 at Winter Park. He suffered the double misfortune of following Juan Bernal: 407 Hood Legend and wearing a full UNC Tar Heel uniform to an open gym. A largely anonymous tour of duty that was highlighted by somehow breaking a hotel room table in South Carolina during a holiday tournament. He was also relieved of his water cup filling duties mid-game during the same tournament and replaced by my then seven year old son Bryson.
Pistol Pete (original) – Third assistant on our 2003-2004 Trinity Prep team. Doubled as 7th grade coach. Insisted on wearing fine suits to games, and then wearing them downtown to drink and party post-game under the dodgy rationale that wearing a full suit, and bragging about “coaching” as a third assistant for a 2A high school somehow advanced the search for pussy. Suffered the indignity of being relieved of camp duties during the Matt Hixenbaugh Basketball Camp.
Pistol Pete (second edition) – Tried out for the JV team recently. Try outs were held on Holloween night and the Pistol wore a full uniform (team unknown) and a head band to contain his flowing brown hair. Was briefly mistaken for Will Farrell in Semi-Pro. Went on to be cut from the team not once, but twice.
The Big Kahuna – local JV coach, large in stature, small in talent and vaguely Hawiian in general appearance. Absorbed the original Oviedo skull-fucking, and suffered legendary meltdown in the final minute of UCF team camp game where he was T’d in the final 15 seconds of the game when his team had the lead. It goes without saying they lost.
Coach Cowher – fantastic friend and law school classmate. Name originated in law school when he guided the Madden Steelers through an undefeated regular season. Drank too much beer during a Friday afternoon kegger on the law school green, puked at the half and lost a playoff game ending a dream season.
Jackass – Law school classmate and Auburn grad. Once wagered his body hair on an undefeated Auburn season during the Terry Bowden era and won. Saw nothing unusual about confiding to classmates that he regularly sat around nude in a hot tub, drunk with only male friends. Once analyzed reading an article on golden showers by offering the article said…..”you shouldn’t be peeing on people”.
FIFA corner flag – freshman oviedo player that ran to the deep corner on the right hand side of the floor every offensive possession and didn’t vacate until the Lions lost possession or scored.
Soca Warrior – shirtless player at try-outs who wore a tribal necklace the entire time.
The Fall of Tanh – Asian player that was having a tough try-out that was ended when he inexplicable fell to the ground with a thunderous smack of the floor.
Big Bird – Tall lanky player bereft of any basketball talent, but had a cool hair cut and awkward gait when running that was rather funny.
Chicharito – Tried out for the team recently. Unfortunately he was a junior with freshman skills. Had a few moments of productivity in open gym to earn his nickname. Embraced his nickname like few ever have despite the fact that he was Puerto Rican, not Mexican.
The Furroughed Brow – Local JV coach, recently promoted from the religious-based middle school league. Middle aged guy with furroughed brow always seems to be preparing to ask a profound question, but his next will be his first. Recently aqcuired a large centurion as his assistant coach. It is unclear what this man’s role is in basketball terms.
KTA – Ken the Asian, originally gained noteriety as Ken the Camera Guy at Winter Park. I met this man in 2005, and had no idea the depth of his sarcasm and angst until I recently followed him on twitter @keiteay. He is Japanese and produced some wonderful material during the earthquake and Women’s World Cup. A regular on the Pedro’s Posse bench.
Dallas’ Mom – See Mr. Charm.